alone

Another two years go by. I have such a love/hate relationship with the holiday season. Within my own little nuclear family, it's bliss. Christmas at home is wonderful. Not going anywhere is wonderful. The thoughtfulness of my children as they get more and more into gift-giving in our little family is heartwarming.Visiting with my husband's family, who live locally now, is mostly nice.

But.

I'm lonely.

Everywhere I turn, there are people celebrating with extended families. Cousins, aunts, uncles, siblings, parents, grandparents, great-grandparents. And I feel so lost.

There is no big extended family for me. I hate this. I chose it, and I stand by that choice, but this "best" choice still sucks. I want it all. I want the lovely Christmas with my children ANDalso the big hoopla of the extended family AND I want them to be awesome, kind, empathetic, healthy people, and to love me, and to love my kids, and for us to be happy.

That won't happen. Can't happen. But it doesn't stop me from wanting it.

It gets me going down that path of "did I make the right choice?" and "how bad would it be, anyway?"

Really, how bad would it be?

I try to remind myself that holidays with my "one big happy family" were never that happy. They involved marching orders from la madre, everybody held in her thrall, total denial of anybody's desires or comfort except for hers, siblings programmed to think of me as a bitch, ignoring anything I say while laughing at each other's stories, driving home heavy with disgruntlement and hurt. I was no less alone then. It only looked less alone, because I had the big family pictures to show for it. See? We're a happy family! Look at this multi-generational awesomeness!

It's like my favorite Vonnegut book comments: "no damn cat, no damn cradle." It was all an illusion.

My kids have five cousins, but only remember one or two of them. They've never even met one of them. I have no contact with my niece and nephews. I'm estranged from one brother and not at all close to two others. That sense of family ties, family tradition? It's all snarled up.

How do I rewrite my mind to accept that the five of us - me, my husband, our three sons - are enough? That this small, genuine celebration is better than the large, fake one? It's really nice not to go anywhere on Christmas, not to worry about competing inlaws.  I grew up with a big, big extended family. Quiet holidays with just us five plus my mother-in-law and father-in-law are so small. So...boring. How do I learn to accept this as normal and love it for what it is?

Do you know?

i thee dread

I once heard the phrase "don't borrow trouble." The idea is that if you're worrying about things that haven't happened yet, or might not happen at all, you're borrowing potential trouble from your future and turning it into real trouble in your present. Well, I'm borrowing trouble, big time.

I dread weddings and funerals. Specifically, weddings and funerals which my parents might attend. Even more specifically, funerals of relatives that I love, and the weddings of my unmarried siblings. 

Nobody is dying right now, so that pot is sitting cold on the back burner. But the weddings. Oh, god, are there going to be weddings? Brother #3 has a long-term girlfriend. He's had others. Will this one be "the one"?  Will I have to spend thousands of dollars on traveling and hotels and other wedding-related expenses, for a wedding that I don't really want to attend, but feel obligated to? My sister has been with her boyfriend for several years, and more and more lately, I wonder if an engagement announcement will be forthcoming. I told myself, hey, maybe they're just the cohabiting type. Maybe they'll never get married. Maybe they'll break up (sad, wouldn't wish for it, but could happen). Maybe they'll suddenly elope and spare the rest of us the ordeal of a family wedding. If they do have a ceremony, it'll most likely be closer to home, but still, ohhhhh...I don't want to go. Her college graduation was hard enough, but things between my mom and myself have gotten much worse (well, better for me in most ways, but you know what I mean) in the years since then and I Just. Don't. Want. To. Go.

But I will go. She's my sister, and I love her, and her wedding isn't about me or my mom, and I'll suck it up and go and be supportive and happy for her and not let her *know* that I'm sucking it up. I'll bring my kids, because she's their auntie, and they love her, and they should get to be present for the celebrations of people they love.

But I worry.

I worry about having to be near my mom.

I worry that my mom will try to talk to me.

I worry that my mom will try to touch me, or kiss my cheek like she did at another family gathering.
I worry about looking perfect, and not being too fat or too frowsy or too...something.
I worry about having to stand next to her in a receiving line, or sit near her at a table.
I worry about the interactions with relatives that I don't want to see, many of whom may lecture me about burying the hatchet.

I worry about bringing my children.

I worry that my mom will approach my children.
I worry that she will talk to them.
I worry that she will touch them and kiss and hug them.
I worry about whether or not I should allow her to go near them.

I worry that there's no real way to keep her away from my children if they're at the same event.
I worry about maybe telling my kids to stay away from Nona.
I worry that she'll sneak behind my back, when I'm away from them for a moment.

I worry that I'll feel like I want to protect them, and that I'll do something that leads to her causing a scene.

I worry that in the name of not drawing attention to myself during my sister's wedding, that I'll put on too brave a face and subject myself to too much.
I worry about the more-intimate rehearsal dinner, where all of this will be a thousand times harder.

And as of last week, I know that my sister is looking at rings, and that she'd like to have a simple ceremony but that it will at the very least be a small ceremony, not a private elopement, and that she is counting on me being her maid of honor.

And I know that I will go, and bring my children, and act natural, and that it will be really, really hard.

And I worry, and I worry, and I worry. 

what would you do in their shoes?

Today I'm creating a log file to record unwanted contact from my mother and father, so that I have a running record. This is both so that I can see the frequency/type in black and white, and also so that I have the information if I ever need documentation of their harassment.

Last year they sent an evite invitation to their home for Easter. This has become a de facto annual tradition - mostly because they declared it to be so. We went there for Easter a few times when my oldest son was little. At the time I remember my oldest brother and I were both hoping to start our own family traditions rather than feeling like we have to report for duty on specific holidays, but now that I'm not on speaking terms with my parents and that brother, it's suddenly an annual tradition that nobody can part with, and we're the killjoys who rain on everybody's parade by not showing up (as if it would be pleasant for anyone if we did).

This year's invitation arrived in my email inbox today. UGH. I hate taking a quick dip into my gmail account to discover their names staring back at me. It makes me mad that she inserts herself into my life in this way. It's an unnecessary little spoonful of yuck added to my day. I deleted the message and will not view that evite. But the whole thing - the invitation, the new contact log, re-reading a message I sent to my brother about a year ago, the continued contact - has me wondering: what would I do if I were the parent, and my child wanted me to leave them alone? Would I do it? Would I continue to "reach out" by sending birthday cards and invitations?

I really don't know.

On the one hand, I do think a kind person reaches out and says "there is always a space for you here." I know my mother feels like she's the wronged party, and that I'm the prodigal daughter, and that someday maybe I'll come to my senses and run (grovel) back to her. So from her point of view, she's being a good mother.

But on the other hand, she ISN'T the wronged party. Nothing in her history with me is actually welcoming or reaching out. These cards and invitations are empty gestures. Whether or not she knows it, I know it. And if I were a delusional-enough person to parent badly and not own up to it, and my child asked me not to contact him, and I still did it, he would absolutely be justified in thinking that I'm an asshole for not going away.

And the thing is, I wouldn't be in this situation, because I would have chosen option C: get therapy for my own issues and figure out what I did to alienate my child. I would 100% believe that I owned at least a sizable chunk of the problem, if not the whole thing.

Please please please let me never end up in their shoes.

And now another question - have you ever figured out a way to block an evite user from inviting you to their events? I tried sending a customer support request last year but I don't think it worked.