a new life, a new me

I'm coming up on the five-year anniversary of what I think of as my personal Independence Day. November 1, 2007 was the day that I simply said no to my mother, who was asking for unreasonable concessions from me, and when she went from sweet-innocent-asking-for-something lady to mom-in-a-rage, I stood my ground, calmly, self-assuredly, with the knowledge that I did not have to be angry or defensive or apologetic. I simply had to say "no."

I shook for two hours after I got off the phone. Did I really just do that? Did I defend my boundaries? Did I refuse to be sucked into a fight? Did I politely end the conversation because the other person could not engage in a polite, constructive manner?

Oh, yes I did.

In those five years I have mourned the loss of the mommy that I had wished for, seized control of my own life, discovered new skills and a new identity, launched a new career, and refused to take any bullshit. I have worked on being simultaneously more firm and more flexible, more compassionate and more detached.

I have also struggled with depression, anxiety, self-doubt, and weight gain. I've dealt with siblings who won't speak to me, cousins my children will probably never know well, and a sense of alienation from my childhood and family. It hasn't always been wonderful, but it has always been moving forward, no matter how slowly, toward a whole new way of interacting with the world.

Six months ago, I seized my life in a whole new way. I joined an exercise group, one of the "boot camp" types, because it seemed like exactly the sort of thing that I wouldn't like. It scared the everliving shit out of me. I hate waking up early. I hate exercise. I've never, ever gone jogging. But I want to have a strong body. I want to have muscles that feel the way my new psyche feels. And you know what? It has been AMAZING. I can run almost five miles, which is HUGE for me. I'm stronger than I have ever been in my life, and I'm much more energetic, and together with the other changes in my life, it's adding up to a fantastic total package and feels GREAT.

So great, that I hit a new milestone the other day - some unnamed person (but I'm sure you and I can guess who) sent flowers to me for my birthday. The type of flowers sent was a little too coincidental to be from anybody but la madre, and when I opened the FTD box and saw the unsigned card, I was annoyed. And to be honest, I wanted to throw them away or something. But I stuck them in a vase and left them on the counter to be dealt with later, while I went out and had a fantastic evening with people who like me for me, and felt very whole and healthy. The next morning, I decided to mix them with the flowers my husband gave me and put them on the table. My middle son adores this type of flower, and they really are beautiful, and together with my husband's flowers they represent lots of different things about my life, and isn't that kindof what a birthday is about, anyway?

I think I'm turning a new page. Sure, my mother is still stalking me by sending packages and cards. It's infrequent, and kindof annoying, but I think maybe I'm moving beyond feeling controlled by these things. I can decide for myself whether to keep or dispose of these things. I used to feel like there was some *right* way to handle her bombs, but now? Meh. Who cares? I can't change her. I can't make her not be a sad, dysfunctional, stalkery woman whose daughter doesn't love her. She can leave things at the door and it doesn't have to mean anything to me.

Let's hope I can hang on to this feeling. I think I probably will, though. The last five years have been the best of my life, and things just keep getting better.

Declaring my independence was the best thing I ever did for myself. I highly recommend it. 

loved

Mornings are often less-than-blissful here, for reasons completely unrelated to narcissism. My kids' school starts a little on the early side, and my middle son is a person who needs to ease into his morning rather than hitting the ground running, so even though we're earlyish risers, it always seems like it's rushrushrush out the door every morning to avoid being late. Lately the preschooler doesn't want to go to school - he loves it once he's there, he just hates the going part - and getting him dressed and fed and into the car is an ordeal. 

So it was really nice last Wednesday morning, after herding reluctant children into the car and getting everybody all strapped in, to come around to the driver's door and find this little love-note waiting for me. I haven't been on the receiving end of Guerrilla Goodness before, and I was really feeling the joy and kindness. The whole drive to school was easier.

Then, because receiving love can never be that simple for an ACON, I started to doubt. Wait a minute, did a friend leave that note for me, or my mother? Because if it was my mother, I don't want to leave it there. I don't need her "love", I want any love given to me to be genuine. 

It bummed me out that I doubt something so simple as an anonymous note left for me, probably by a friend. I'm guarded, skeptical. 

My husband pointed out that "it lacks attribution. You mom would never sign her letters 'anonymous'". He has a point. She always wants people to make sure they know that she was there, that this is her work. 

So the little heart stayed. It's still there, through sun and rain and snow. I'm passing it on to you, my ACON brothers and sisters. Although sometimes you may feel skeptical, and it can be hard to accept, you are lovely, loving, lovable, loved people.