With the start of a new year coming up, many of us are thinking about who we want to be in 2013. For some this means a plan to diet and exercise, or to accomplish a specific goal. For me, new year's resolutions are more about touching base with my core values than a to-do list. I started calling it a "mission statement" a few years back, and make an effort to check in with it from time to time, to see if I still value the same things, and to remind myself of my intentions.
I wrote the following two years ago, as part of a post about coming out of the FOG, but I think it can stand alone as a mission statement for parents who are also children of narcissists. I'm considering printing it out and hanging it up somewhere where I can see it more frequently.
I will be myself. I will work to overcome the anxiety, fear, and shame that shackle me. I acknowledge the heredity and upbringing that contributed to these issues in the past, and take responsibility for handling them in the present time.
I will not fraternize with people who do me harm, physically or emotionally. I will not subject my children to such people. I will continue to build a community of reciprocal relationships with friends and family members who play actively positive roles in our lives and who show a willingness to work constructively together in times of interpersonal struggle.
I will not allow any person to bully and intimidate my family via threats of legal action.
I will be a compassionate witness for others who need to share their stories and come out of secrecy, whether it is about abuse or any other personal trial. I will express my gratitude to the friends who share their struggles with me in order to let me know that I am not alone.
I will work hard to be a truly loving parent who understands who her children are as people, who will respect their rights, who rejects control-based parenting advice with its negative views of the nature of children. I will listen to my children's concerns. I will acknowledge my mistakes and apologize genuinely to them. I will not shame them or withdraw love from them when who they are is at odds with who I am. I will not use my size, experience, or age to oppress them. I will exercise patience, self-restraint, compassion.
I will expect my husband to confront me and support my children when I harm them. I will support them when they believe that he has done something unfair, or when I witness him doing something hurtful. We will work as a family to encourage an atmosphere of respect for all members, regardless of age.
I understand that my children may choose their own paths. I will work to be open to their criticism and understanding if, despite my intents in this time, I fail to play a significantly positive role in their lives. I will accept whatever relationship they wish to have with me in the future. I do not own their bodies or their minds, now or ever.
If you are a parent, what is your parenting mission statement, and how is it affected by also being an ACON?
I really love your blog! This is what I have been striving for with parenting my 2 kids. Some days I feel like I don't know what I'm doing as a mother. Thank you for this post, it is so inspiring!
ReplyDeleteThe last paragraph is so important, the "I understand that my children may choose their own paths. I will work to be open to their criticism and understanding if, despite my intents in this time, I fail to play a significantly positive role in their lives. I will accept whatever relationship they wish to have with me in the future. I do not own their bodies or their minds, now or ever." part is basically the antithesis in many ways of Narcissism. Its unconditional love. Accepting and supporting them possibly not even being near you in the future. But unlike a narcissist, who would need them around to feed off them, you know that you'll stand by whatever is right for them. That's love. It takes strength to look so objectively and analytically at things. And it all comes from empathy, never wanting it to happen to anyone else. Well done on being a decent human being :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not a parent, but I'm a teacher and have been for twenty five years. I try to practice many of these principles with my students (up to a point--they're college kids). If my parents had done anything remotely like what you propose above, my entire life would have looked different. Maybe I wouldn't have been as driven professionally to "prove" myself. I think part of that was driven by a "f-you" attitude toward my parents, who had NO expectations that I'd become anything in life. They simply didn't care or think about me and my future. I achieved as a kind of "so there" to them. Regardless, I would have been a much happier and more loving person had they shown me the least respect or consistent engagement during those 17 years I spent in their care and home.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful, Claire. I didn't 'write' my commitment to better parenting, but it was a conscious decision to do my best, before my children were born. And it took a lot of work on my part, not only changing dysfunctional patterns one-by-one, but learning about Healthy Parenting through self-help and mothering groups.
ReplyDeleteMy parenting was and continues to be inspired by Kahlil Gibran's poem, "On Children." It still brings tears to my eyes.
Tonight, you have inspired me to write an updated parenting mission statement now that my children are nearly forty years old.
Lovely post to read this evening, thank you.
CZ