blurred lines

It's never simple.

I miss my family.

No, I miss the idea of family. Or the family that I thought I had. Or the family that we wanted to pretend we were.

I want my mommy. Well, not the one I have. The one I wish she could be.

My brothers are jerks. Well, sortof jerks. And I wish I were closer to them. Why would anybody want to be closer to people who are jerks? I long for the good old days. I'm not sure there ever were any good old days.

My sister is a miracle. She has empathy. She gets it. She sees it all. And yet she fears commitment. She doesn't want children. She worries she would mess them up because she tends toward anxiety and depression and we had no good models for how to handle that shit or how to be a good mother. She doesn't realize that the fact that she even thinks about that at all is exactly what would save her children.

I wonder who my brothers and sisters would be if not for my mother. And my father.

I miss my dad. I love him but I don't tell him that. I don't love my mom. At least, I don't think I do. I don't speak to either of them, but really, I let my dad off the hook because I consider him a victim, too. Or did until he spat ugliness at me that sounded like a script written by her. I let him off because he's weak. She preyed upon him. He depends upon her love. She privately scorns him. I feel sorry for him. He has self-esteem issues. He has mommy issues.

But I don't have any problem with my grandmother, his mother. Who must have been a monster like my mother in order to produce a son so needy. Right? I never saw her that way, though.

Not like I see my mother. I don't love my mother. I don't like my mother. I wish I didn't look like my mother. I feel revulsion toward her for the way she treats people. But isn't she a victim, too? Isn't she the product of genetics and a narcissistic father and a weak mother and bad luck? Is she any more able to control who she is and what she does than my father is? Both are broken people. Each is dependent upon the other to keep afloat. He needs her. She needs him. Why am I willing to absolve the passive parent but not the actively aggressive one? It took both of them to create a dysfunctional family.

Is the enabling parent less harmful? More harmful? Equally harmful? Is there any way to tell?

I wonder if there is an alternate timeline out there, one in which my dad never meets my mom. One in which he falls in love with a less poisonous woman. Would his wounds still have prevented him from finding a healthy mate? Would some lovely young woman from a functional family have found him? Is there another universe in which he marries a woman who helps him to grow and heal and become emotionally whole?

I will never know. I will never know. This is all I was given. This is all I get.

I miss something I do not want. I want something that will never exist. There is no happy ending, only a stalemate. Pick the life that sucks the least.

It is never simple.


  1. This is a post only an Acon would "get" or love because it so mimics all the indecisive self talk these guys evoke in our minds.

  2. Thanks, guys. There has been a lot on my mind lately, and there's just no good solution to any of it. I'm still confident in my decisions, but I hate that I had to make them, and sad about the collateral damage, sometimes.

  3. Thanks for putting it into words even though it probably hurt like hell to write it. Sure hurts like hell to read it.

  4. Great post. I related to so much of it.

  5. Trying this one last time, hopefully I can get it right this time:

    I agree with Q. This is the "loop" that plays in my mind....endlessly.

    I'm sorry that you are stuck in this place. I'm sorry for every ACoN that is stuck in this place. I'm sorry that I'm stuck in this place.

    Thanks for writing this. It was lovely, in it's own, sad, sort-a hopeless way, because I'm there too.

    This is great: "I miss something I do not want. I want something that will never exist. There is no happy ending, only a stalemate. Pick the life that sucks the least." It sums my feelings up perfectly.

    Feeling for you.

    And just to add this second time around: this stuff is so hard. Even when you are doing the right thing, it can feel wrong. Always caught between a rock and a hard place.

  6. As I get older, I look more and more like my mother. It's to the point that I HATE looking in the mirror! This is even costing me money! I've been buying new clothes that are less conservative and went out and got myself some crazy RED glasses. I'm letting my hair grow and might colour it RED too. Next some new bras so my boobs don't look all saggy like my mother's.

    I know I'm kinda making light of this but if I hate looking like her, it means she still exercising some control over me.

    And the fantasy family, I want that too, just like I want one night with Johnny Depp. Neither one is ever going to happen!