I'm always a bit angry (okay, more than a bit) when people try to use "Well, I/he/she/they were abused as kids..." as an excuse for passing on the cycle of abuse. It is ALWAYS possible not to abuse your kids and to change that cycleI struggle with the idea that I should have more compassion for my mother, who was abused (physically, emotionally, and possibly sexually) by her father. The abuse she received at his hands was worse than what I experienced at her hands, and I have the feeling that I'm supposed to be grateful that she was better than her father, and let her off the hook. "All parents make mistakes," after all. But again and again, I come back to the fact that it is NOT OK to abuse people, whether you do it a little bit or a lot. Regardless of what she experienced, she chose to have children, she chose not to get help, she chose to seek parenting advice from people whose own control issues and abusive temperaments should have been glaringly obvious. She was a psych major for a while, for goodness' sake. She should have understood normal development and the importance of parenting and the risk of passing on abusive behaviors. She knew her father was abusive, yet she didn't ever consider herself at risk for being an abuser, herself.
It is ALWAYS possible to break the cycle.
Absolutely. And NO, I broker NO 'discussion" of "compassion" geared towards ABUSERS, while the victims are blamed repeatedly for their own abuse. I don't "need to understand" my perp's POV in an effort to recover from parental abuse-or ANY abuse. Let me repeat and make this VERY CLEAR:
ReplyDeleteTHESE "PARENTS" ARE ABUSERS. THE FACT THEY ARE NOT BEHIND BARS SPEAKS TO THE FAILURE OF OUR SOCIETY TO TRULY CARE FOR AND PROTECT CHILDREN. THAT DOES NOT MAKE THESE "PARENTS" ANY LESS PERPETRATORS AND PREDATORS.
Then they present as the violated party when we terminate the relationship. Umm, ya know when an ADULT ceases to remain involved in a relationship with a parent there's damn good reasons, whether those "outside" can understand this or not. Our relationships with our parents are the most primal of all relationships, the most tenacious of all bonds. In typical perp fashion, the perp-"parent" denies having any idea WHY this has happened.
Bull Shit.
This isn't about "All parents make mistakes." Of course they do. But when those "mistakes" are clearly a pattern of behavior OVER OUR ENTIRE LIFETIMES designed to appease their own demons-or simply because they CAN-at the expense of their child they embody the meaning of the word PERPETRATOR.
My compassion lies with the abused, NOT THE ABUSER regardless of their blood relationship or lack of such to their victim.
Tundra Woman
'This isn't about "All parents make mistakes." Of course they do. But when those "mistakes" are clearly a pattern of behavior OVER OUR ENTIRE LIFETIMES designed to appease their own demons-or simply because they CAN-at the expense of their child they embody the meaning of the word PERPETRATOR.'
DeleteA-MEN, Sister!!!!!!!!!!!
"ya know when an ADULT ceases to remain involved in a relationship with a parent there's damn good reasons, whether those "outside" can understand this or not. Our relationships with our parents are the most primal of all relationships, the most tenacious of all bonds."
ReplyDeleteA thousand times YES! And yet people don't seem to be able to understand that for a child to break a relationship with a parent must take an incredible amount of thought following incredibly dysfunctional treatment. If my mother had been nurturing, why would I want no contact with her?
My own brothers have pulled the "all parents make mistakes" and "how that I'm a parent I think they did a good job" stuff. It's bullshit. I remember how they were actually treated, and I certainly hope they don't think that treatment was good parenting or just a tiny oops moment.
Did we have the same mother?..
ReplyDeleteThank you for the mirror image you just provided. I've been struggling with the nagging sense I should be more compassionate with my mom, since she treated me better than she was treated as a child.
She was abused by her psycho dad and majored in psychology for a while too... However, her understanding of psychology was wielded to make ME responsible for her shortcomings. Very destructive.