tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061406078687282740.post3288408220639356860..comments2023-05-20T05:37:52.648-04:00Comments on ACONography: part 3: love crumbsClairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05574418702880244921noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061406078687282740.post-24539045413577024652012-02-16T10:24:07.661-05:002012-02-16T10:24:07.661-05:00Like Ms. Vanci I also have an "unyielding cha...Like Ms. Vanci I also have an "unyielding character" when it comes to these narc/pdparents. Yes, this IS a very black-and-white area for me. If indeed difficult or traumatic histories were the genesis of abusing your offspring then perhaps all children who grow up with these types of parents should be sterilized, right?! Only kidding, really! ;)<br />My childhood and early adult life was colored by the abuse from my psychobych 'mother.' There is NO history of trauma or abuse in her background involving 6 sibs. She is the ONLY one who developed MN. If anything she was far more indulged as the "baby" in the family. Was she aware of her behavior and it's impact on me? ABSOLUTELY.<br />In my world there is NO "free pass" or excuse for abuse/maltreatment of your offspring. NONE. We've all had a whole lot less than "charmed" lives but we've certainly not done to our children what was done to us-and many of us worry half to death about inadvertently "passing on" the family "tradition" to our own kids.<br />As I said in my comment regarding your previous post, give it some time, Little One. These are new behaviors emanating from a conscious awareness of all of your experiences and the natural consequences that result secondary to this awareness. Self-confidence builds as we successfully handle all the stuff the pdparent throws our way particularly when we've thwarted their ability to infiltrate our lives and the lives of our kids. Tundra Woman (TW)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061406078687282740.post-78281744371609159862012-02-15T21:48:18.107-05:002012-02-15T21:48:18.107-05:00Claire,
I agree with you that it's a tough lin...Claire,<br />I agree with you that it's a tough line to walk. On the one hand, I know that my NM had it rough... but on the other I know that I did too and have made the choice to change myself and not pass it on to my daughters, a choice that she for her own reasons was unwilling or incapable of making. <br />I learned some good things from my NM, too, and I consider those almost unintentional bonuses. <br /><br />I do know that for a long time I didn't know that I was hurting myself or anyone else with my drinking... but then people close to me told me... and at that point I had to decide to be responsible for my actions and could no longer play the "I didn't know any better" card. <br /><br />If she truly doesn't know then I absolutely feel sorry for her. If she's refusing to hear so that she can continue not to know, well, that's a little trickier for me to have compassion for, I guess and reveals an awful lot about my unyielding character. :)<br /><br />At any rate I'm very happy that you have enough distance from her in your life to be able to ponder and to act in the way that's best for you!<br /><br />Love,<br />VanciVancihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12324986021125687199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061406078687282740.post-32747531749495558332012-02-15T19:59:10.877-05:002012-02-15T19:59:10.877-05:00Vanci, I go back and forth on the issue of free wi...Vanci, I go back and forth on the issue of free will as it applies to narcissists. On the one hand, I hold people accountable for their actions. On the other hand, I do believe that narcissists aren't able to see what they're doing. I feel sorry for my mother - she had a shitty childhood and I'm not sure a single one of her siblings came out of it truly emotionally healthy. I think her perspective is seriously warped and that perhaps she really does believe that what she's doing is kind and good and right. How can one take responsibility for something they don't even know is wrong? I still hold her accountable for it, and I won't subject myself to more of it, but I don't think she can really control herself. It's sad, really. <br /><br />I learned to take parenting seriously from her. I learned to question the status quo from her. It's mind-boggling sometimes that she doesn't practice what she preaches. <br /><br />(And yes, I would feel much more sympathy for a biting dog than I do for her. Most of the time.)Clairehttp://aconography.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061406078687282740.post-66972246999696079712012-02-15T19:22:46.296-05:002012-02-15T19:22:46.296-05:00Claire,
I also think that you handled this very w...Claire, <br />I also think that you handled this very well - with maturity, integrity and with a supremely crafted ability to move on and have a lovely evening despite the violation. <br />Your reaction and further action speaks to the level of emotional development you've achieved and to your good character. I'm very proud of you! :)<br /><br />In defense of dogs, though, I have to say that I am hesitant to agree that an adult human being who chooses to treat other human beings with disregard for their own humanity (in the form of boundaries, etc,) absolutely does have a choice. They're a victim of their own choices, which alienate them from the good people in their lives who won't be treated poorly (like you!) and that is sad. But to believe that this behavior is simply within their nature and therefore to be accepted as such is a slippery slope... <br /><br />I am an addict/alcoholic. That may be in my nature, sure, and something that I can't help. But I'm also a grown up and responsible human being who's been sober for quite a while because I *choose* not to put those substances/behaviors into my body anymore. It really is about me taking responsibility for my own actions despite my make-up/natural state of being or the things about myself that I can't help. IMO, it's the same for Narcs. <br />They can absolutely choose not to violate our boundaries or to treat us with respect. They simply choose not to and expect US to be the ones who change/feel sorry for them/listen to them say they love us. <br /><br />Just my opinion, for what it's worth. <br /><br />Congratulations on not getting sucked in!<br />Love,<br />VanciVancihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12324986021125687199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061406078687282740.post-56077727394228392452012-02-15T16:17:05.787-05:002012-02-15T16:17:05.787-05:00Wonderful post! I'm VLC not NC but they are so...Wonderful post! I'm VLC not NC but they are sooooo confused when I no longer respond to the crumb throwing! xxPitstophttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11198811618537849870noreply@blogger.com