tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061406078687282740.post1998501687777931250..comments2023-05-20T05:37:52.648-04:00Comments on ACONography: reading notes: you're not crazy, it's your motherClairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05574418702880244921noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061406078687282740.post-26583526988334117992014-01-06T18:42:19.384-05:002014-01-06T18:42:19.384-05:00It is so wonderful to read this post. I have a mot...It is so wonderful to read this post. I have a mother I struggled with for fifty years and now she is 85 years old. I have contact with her because I love her. I toe the line. Stay pleasant because that's all she can handle. Trust me. Her fangs can come out very quickly. But I also care about her and have accepted her limitations. She will never get over me cutting her off. My sister has done that and it has shattered her heart. I can't hurt her that way, though God knows she has crushed me over and over again.<br /><br />I see her problem as enslaving for her. She never had a great life outside her children and family. She was unable to make friends in the world at large because she can't control those people. She is wracked with personal insecurity. <br /><br />But she also did some great things, rose to some very difficult challenges and came through for us in other ways. So, I will be her little mirror when I am with her. And that's okay. I love her.<br /><br />I don't like Danu's world of hatred. I think it is toxic and very dangerous. Particularly to women whose mothers are not so bad. But who are judged to be hideous through Danu's eyes. I'll have nothing to do with her agenda. How many mothers have been devastated from that? We don't know. How many relationships could have found an area of functionality but didn't? We don't know.<br /><br />This has to be the next step in the Narcissistic Mother's awareness. They are sick and sometimes you can work around it a little bit so you don't totally crush them to pieces. Worked with in whatever small doses you can manage.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061406078687282740.post-74975799836688871942013-08-25T18:01:11.556-04:002013-08-25T18:01:11.556-04:00Your criticisms of this book are well founded. It&...Your criticisms of this book are well founded. It's too convenient to just slap the "evil" label on the narcissists in our lives. In doing so, we become like them, unable or unwilling to look beyond the anger, hurt, frustration and betrayal. In my experience, I think it's a normal initial reaction when we first figure out that there's something seriously wrong with parent/adult child relationship dynamic. The problem is getting stuck there, and that's (IMHO) what Danu Morrigan advocates. <br /><br />Her website doesn't change and her forums can be scary places. It feels very supportive at first, but watch out if you accidentally tread into some of the "forbidden" topics. There are quite a few other bloggers in the ACoN community who have been unceremoniously tossed from the forum with no explanation merely for voicing a dissenting opinion. <br /><br />Re: EFT. My therapist uses it with me in session when things are very, very charged and I've found it helpful. It works similarly to EMDR. I'm very suspicious of Morrigan's version of it, and no, it's not something she developed or patented, so if she's implying that, she's full of crap. <br /><br />YES to Alice Miller! "The Drama of the Gifted Child" and "The Body Never Lies" were hugely helpful to me. <br /><br />DreaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061406078687282740.post-58897108358430503202013-08-24T13:06:20.441-04:002013-08-24T13:06:20.441-04:00I have zero experience either with her, but just w...I have zero experience either with her, but just wanted to mention it for any "newbies" who may be looking to her site for answers: just be careful. <br /><br />I do believe this is the woman, as I remember the "tapping" being an issue with others. I also found her information helpful at the beginning, but a bit shallow, so I went looking for more in-depth material. <br /><br />And I do think everyone likes to have praise and hear good things about themselves (especially if we were denied that a lot as children). But with the Ns, the seem to demand that positive affirmation on constant basis. And as you said, their is NO room for criticism or opposing viewpoints. And also, I noticed too, that it's not enough for them to have just constant praise, but that they need ALL of the praise. Like with my MIL, it's not enough to say she's a good cook, she has to be the BEST cook. And if someone praises me, she undercuts and devalues it. They are never "full up" or satisfied with praise and also have to "hog" it all for themselves...no sharing!jessiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061406078687282740.post-447617729590258212013-08-23T19:36:47.440-04:002013-08-23T19:36:47.440-04:00Yes, I do think many Ns have such heinously bad se...Yes, I do think many Ns have such heinously bad self-esteem that they desperately need to hear praise of themselves (I can kindof relate to this - I really really like to hear good things about me, possibly because of the effects of my own Nmom), and they get super, super defensive about criticism. It's understandable when you think about them as children who didn't get what they needed from their own Nparents. <br /><br />Re: the DONM author, I think I have heard that before. I'm not a member of her forums. I initially found her site to be validating, but because it rarely has new content, I pretty quickly moved on to other resources. I also don't really buy into EFT/"tapping." There is one other author that you might be thinking about. I have no personal negative experience and zero forum experience with either. Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05574418702880244921noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061406078687282740.post-92218510536879729402013-08-23T17:05:07.669-04:002013-08-23T17:05:07.669-04:00I think you've pointed out some good criticism...I think you've pointed out some good criticisms. My mother doesn't think she's perfect, she's just always trying to convince other people she is (or get them to believe she is). NMIL is the same way. It's very clear to me that both of them have horrible self-esteem. <br /><br />And I also found, in the beginning of my search, that their wasn't a lot of wiggle room in definitions of narcissim. It took a lot of digging (and very specific examples, many of which I found with other bloggers blogging personal experiences)for more inclusive definitions of narcissism (and more specifically, narcissistic mothers.) It left me doubting myself: if there were good times, if sometimes I liked her, if sometimes she was helpful and kind, was I just misjudging her? The variations in narcissistic mothers can have such a profound effect on people, even if it's on the "lesser" end of the continuum and I think it's important to show all sides of it.<br /><br />P.S. I believe (and I could be wrong)that I've come across other bloggers who've found this woman to be out to profit off of DONMs and that many women, on her forum, have had some negative experiences. I could be wrong (and I'll retract this if I am) that this is the name of the woman, but I believe so. I've not had any experience with her myself, but thought I'd bring that to your attention. jessiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com